Shaming: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Shame Beagle

Twere shame enough to shame thee, wert thou not shameless. ~ William Shakespeare

Shame (Noun) a painful emotion resulting from an awareness of having done something wrong, dishonorable, improper, unworthy, degrading, ridiculous, etc.
Shame (verb) To cause to feel shame.

Joseph Burgo Ph.D. said: Although many people use the two words “guilt” and “shame” interchangeably, from a psychological perspective, they actually refer to different experiences. … [Shame] reflects how we feel about ourselves and [guilt] involves awareness that our actions have injured someone else. … In other words, shame relates to self; guilt to others. I think it’s useful to preserve this distinction, even though the dictionary definitions often blur it. … Many people crippled by shame have very little capacity to feel guilt, for example. In order to feel guilt about the harm you may have done to somebody else, you must recognize him or her as a distinct individual, to begin with. Thus a person who struggles with separation and merger issues might not feel true guilt even if he or she were to use that word to describe a feeling. Many people who display narcissistic behavior often suffer from profound feelings of shame but have little authentic concern for other people; they don’t tend to feel genuinely guilty. The lack of empathy to be found in narcissistic personality disorder makes real guilt unlikely since guilt depends upon the ability to intuit how someone else might feel.

Neel Burton M.D. said: Embarrassment is the feeling of discomfort experienced when some aspect of ourselves is, or threatens to be, witnessed by or otherwise revealed to others, and we think that this revelation is likely to undermine the image of ourselves that we seek to project to those others. …

People with low self-esteem are more prone to shame, because, having a poor self-image, they are harsher upon themselves. In some cases, they may defend against shame with blame or contempt, often for the person who incited their shame. Ultimately, this is likely to lead to even deeper shame, and so to even lower self-esteem. While overwhelming shame can be destructive, mild or moderate shame is mostly a force for good, spurring us on to lead more ethical lives. …

Shame is ego dystonic, that is, in conflict with our self-image and the needs and goals of our ego, and high levels of shame are correlated with poor psychological functioning. In particular, eating disorders and many sexual disorders can largely be understood as disorders of shame, as can narcissism, which is sometimes thought of as a defense against shame. Guilt on the other hand is ego syntonic, that is, consistent with our self-image and the needs and goals of our ego, and, unless left to fester, is either unrelated or inversely correlated with poor psychological functioning.

Faced with the same set of circumstances, people with high self-esteem are more prone to guilt than to shame, and more likely to take corrective or redemptive action.

Sharkly B.S. says:  Recently I have kept running into the concept of shaming.  Most people seem to be very against shaming being done to them, but are quite ready to do it to their opponents.  Some people are against shaming entirely and seem to go to great lengths to shame those who are still shaming. 😉

But, does shaming have a positive purpose, and if so, why do some claim to be opposed to it?  One person claimed that shaming should not be used because it might drive someone “underground” or back in “the closet”.   However that might indeed be a very powerful reason to use it.

Are we ever to shame the wayward, or are we only to humor them?  Can you shame a person’s deeds without devaluing the person?  It has been said that if you attack someone’s due dignity, your relationship will suffer.  Is there a way to shame people without attacking their human dignity?  Should we even slave to keep close relations with the shameless?  Should our relationships be subject to some basic level of expectation?  Or is it imperative that everybody be nice, polite, and unconfrontational?  I hope, with this post, to spur contemplation of shaming, and to start a discussion on the appropriate and best uses of shaming.

It would seem obvious that if society is to be peacefully reformed, we will absolutely need shame, as a force for good, spurring us on to lead more ethical lives.  And even if you favor a violent revolution, won’t you still need shame to peaceably maintain your mores after you’ve installed them via gun barrel diplomacy?  What would a chaotic world without shame even look like, where everybody did what was right in their own eyes?

Virgin Imprinting

Where's the love

I have a topic that I’d like to discuss, and I’ll use myself as the example, because I haven’t heard any other discussion on the topic.  I was reading over at Σ Frame when the question of a virgin young man’s sexual compatibility with any potential wife came up.

I myself for whatever reason never worried about my sexual compatibility, so I would never have thought to bring the topic up.  Although I’m blessed, I presumed that, if a baby’s head can come out of a woman’s baby maker, I’m pretty certain my penis will fit in.  Now perhaps I’m not talking about the same aspect of sexual compatibility that was in question, but here is what happened to me.

The baseline.

Prior to marriage I had looked at pornography.  I found I liked breasts of all shapes and sizes, I really did like them all, whatever preferences I had were pretty minimal.  I also looked at vaginas, I found them interesting, while a little strange looking, but there too, I didn’t have any real strong preferences, except that they not be shaved bald and look just like a young child’s crotch.

I met my wife online, and was almost “in love” before I physically met her.  When I did first meet her I was pleasantly suprised, that although she didn’t look exactly like her profile picture, she actually looked better than her online photo.  Long story short – I fell in love, and married her.

I had never had sex until with my wife. When I first saw her breasts, I didn’t recall seeing many exactly like that, but I liked them.  And when I first saw her vagina, well, it was a vagina, as good as any other vagina.

Somehow I got imprinted.

Due to my wife’s intimacy-anorexia she intentionally distances me, she withholds sharing emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy as part of her behavioral addiction.  And so it was, that bereft of much sex with my wife, and let down by churches who refused to help, I turned back to pornography.   But, to my surprise, I didn’t want to see just any breasts like before.  I found myself looking for breasts that looked exactly like my wife’s breasts, and the more they looked like my wife’s breasts, the more I preferred them.  I also had grown to appreciate vaginas a lot more, but the absolute best vaginas looked exactly like my wife’s vagina.

I wasn’t intentionally trying to find models that looked like my wife, I just gradually came to notice that I now strongly preferred everything to look exactly like how she looked.  I now strongly prefer my wife’s size of nipples, the size and color of her areolas, the size and shape of her breasts.  I also strongly prefer the size, shape, color, and texture of her pussy lips.  I’m sorry, but I just do now.  Apparently I imprinted on her sexually, and she is now what I just strongly prefer.

Anyhow, I’m not sure how this happened.  I haven’t got the foggiest idea.  I’m not even sure why I imprinted.  Was it an act or blessing of God?  Is it natural?  Was it an act of will, that I chose to love her as she was, and it solidified?  Had I perchance been blessed to marry somebody perfectly matching some subconscious preferences that I had been previously unaware of?  Does this happen to others?  I don’t know.

It gets worse.

My wife got pregnant twice during our marriage, and as she first began exhibiting the look of pregnancy, I began to love that look.  I knew she was pregnant before she did.  One day she wondered aloud if she was possibly pregnant, and without even thinking I just blurted out, yes, your boobs have changed.  Anyhow, I began to love everything about the look of pregnancy as my wife exhibited it.  And perhaps thanks to powerful pregnancy hormones overpowering my wife’s intimacy-anorexia the last two trimesters of both my wife’s pregnancies were the most regular sex I ever got.  Anyhow, I sort of have a thing for pregnant women now, and I had never found them attractive before my wife first got pregnant.  But now they’re just radiant and sexy to me, and I don’t know how to make it stop.

Dalrock’s Departure


Yesterday Red-Pilled Christian blogger, Dalrock, announced on his blog, that he is quitting his blog, after a decade of blogging.     For myself, I am saddened to see his site ending.  It helped me a lot, I met a lot of good men there, and was challenged to hone and defend my Bible based beliefs.  I am glad it was there for me at a time when few were.

Red-Pill Religion?

Bnonn's Baby

Lately there has been some discussion of whether the “Red Pill” is Christian or not.   I think it is a fool’s debate, but here goes, I’ll wade in against the foolish.  Recently I read two somewhat opposing articles regarding this.  First I’ll deal with the foolish one: Bnonn throws the baby out.  Fence-riding Bnonn, at the Purple-Pill “It’s Good To Be A Man” takes a break from fighting his enemy ‘Blue-Pill feminist Status quo’ to take a swipe at his other enemy, ‘Red-Pill patriarchal wisdom’.  Bnonn begins by saying: “Our conviction is that, while the red pill shares certain commonalities with biblical Christianity, and often sees the nature of things more clearly than mainstream evangelicalism, it is actually a separate religion in its own right.”  So, Bnonn recognizes that there are some Biblical principles in the red pill, and that this truth leads Red-Pilled people to seeing the nature of things with greater clarity, but he then proceeds to ‘point and shriek’, branding this truth, this source of greater clarity, as a false religion, outlawing seeking this truth and wisdom from Christianity.  Now I’ll spare you the bulk of his bnonnsense, as the author is reduced to painting the red pill with a very broad brush, citing various individual foibles and some red-piller’s lack of Christian morals, and such,  as reason to advise his readers to shriek and run from any truth or wisdom that might be inherent in the Red-Pill movement, and to let men like himself do your thinking, and all consideration of it, for you.  As Bnonn so often does, his articles generally go into lengthy drawn out contortions to twist some unrelated tidbits into seemingly supporting his contentions, and apparently to either impress or baffle his readers  he opportunistically throws in the biggest and most arcane words that he knows, but in this article mainly he foolishly paints with an overly broad brush and throws the good out with the bad.  Bnonn concludes with: “Hence, we are not red pill Christians, and actively warn against the very idea of such a thing. We are Christians who have benefited from the observations of red pill thinkers about God’s creation, and are striving to integrate that knowledge into a positive biblical theology of masculinity, femininity, and how men and women are to work together to extend the dominion of the house of God.”

As you can see, Bnonn cleverly shifts dominion from individual men under the headship of Christ,(1 Corinthians 11:3) to the church, “the house of God”, of which he is a thought leader.  Bnonn’s preface and conclusion, given above, defines his ilk as Purple-Pill, and attempts to scare his readers off from becoming any more Red-Pilled than Bnonn himself.    He claims to be riding the fence at just the perfect balance point.  So as always, your ideas and discussion are not permitted there, just your donations, so they can afford to continue doing all your thinking for you, and in exchange they’ll limit your dominion a bit less than a more Feminist church.

Job 12:2 Truly ye are the people, and wisdom shall die with you!

Now on to the Good.

Over at Biblical Gender Roles, the host asks: Is Red Pill Biblical?

As you know, I myself, have been teaching that men are exclusively in the image and glory of God,(1 Corinthians 11:7) created preeminent, to be delegated divine dominion over women and all of creation, with the command to rule them well.  I have stated that we men have been deceived into trading our birthright ~ blessed Patriarchy, for a mess of dysfunctional Feminism.  This Bible based belief also fits well with the Red Pill.

The host quotes popular secular Red Pill Blogger, Rollo Tomassi as saying: The authority men used, to claim innate legitimacy [from] in the past, is now only legitimate when a woman wields it.  Men need to retake this authority and own it as is their birthright once again.”

I won’t dissect the Biblical Gender Roles article here, since it is worth reading for yourself.  I will however welcome all your discussion of it here.  I personally have found it difficult to get my comments to appear at BGR, and Bnonn’s article does not allow any comments at all.  Feel free to share your thoughts about whether the Red Pill movement contains wisdom and truth that our Feminist churches have been misled to currently try to deny, or any other thoughts.